The Pain of Losing
by Alwaysgurl2013
Summary: What if Bella hadn't jumped off the cliff because Jacob had stopped talking to her sooner, and because of that she hadn't gone to his house and had a lot of free time to waste sitting on the beach? What if Edward was the one that needed to save her?
1. Chapter 1

Edward's Point of View

I closed my eyes trying to get the voices out of my head. There was only one voice I would want to hear inside or outside my head. But even though I can't hear her inside my head, I will never hear her outside or inside at all because I, showing the monster I am, left her. Bella, my Bella, had the pain of a thousand people in her eyes when I said I didn't love her anymore. My Bel- Stop that Edward! She is not your Bella. You left her. She is better off without you threatening her life every day and you know it. Do I? I asked myself. Is she? Or is she as miserable as I am? Could she be as crazy with pain as I am? Could I run back to her and she would accept me and- STOP! I left and that's what's best for her. But I let my mind drift to what would happen if I was wrong and she wanted me back as much as I wanted her. I pictured myself running back to her and fixing her life, her fixing mine, making her smile and laugh again, seeing her blush again. We could get married and live together forever and I could change her and- NO! NO! NO! I scream in my head. SHE IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU! YOU'RE A MONSTER AND IF YOU GO BACK TO BELLA YOU WILL KILL HER!

Just then I see Alice's thoughts. A vision, of Bella! She is lying on the floor, her skin almost as pail as ours. She whispers good-bye Edward and shuts her beautiful brown eyes. Almost as if she still- and then Alice sees all the bottles of pills empty on the floor. Some with her name, left over from last spring, many, though, with Charlie's name. Bella's going to commit suicide! NO!

"EDWARD! GO SAVE HER!" Alice screamed. And that's when I start to run.

I ran towards Forks cursing my name the whole way there. I yelled at myself. How could you leave her? She is not better without you! Looks she's going to die if you're not there! You have to save her! I screamed at myself. She wouldn't be deciding to do this if you hadn't told her you didn't love her. She would be in your arms, maybe even blushing, and you could be telling her how much you love her. She wouldn't be thinking that you don't love her, nor would she be planning suicide! I try to block out my thoughts by picturing her blush and her brown eyes and I thought of the happy times we had. The times when she was in the forest with me, when I heard her tell me she loved me, first when she was sleep talking and then when she woke up, her sleep talking in general, the times we had has at school. Then I realized that if I am even a moment too soon, she will die thinking I never truly love her and I would lose the one thing that made my life complete and I would be filled with the pain of losing her.


	2. Chapter 2

Bella's Point of View

I am going through with this. As soon as Charlie leaves tonight, I will take all the left over pills from when James tried to kill me and some of Charlie's heart meds and overdose to get away from this hell I call my life. I can't live without him and if he doesn't love me, what do I have to live for anyway? Jake was my personal sun until he stopped talking to me because of Sam Uley's gang. He swore he doesn't, or well didn't, want to be a part of it, but he is, and Charlie says there's nothing he can do about it.

"Bella? Are you sure you don't want me to see if Jake or Billy would come, um, hang with you? Or do you want to go out and do something with some friends?"

"No," because that would ruin my plan.

"Oh, ok. If you say so. I think you should try to get out of the house Bells. You've been cooped up far too long."

"I'll be fine Dad."

"Ok. Bye Bells."

"Bye Dad." Once I hear his car drive away, I pull out a tablet and start on my three notes. One for Charlie, one for Renee, and one for him. The ones to Charlie and Renee were simple to write because they knew what this felt like, the pain of losing someone you loved. The one that took me a while was his.

_Dear Edward,_

_ You might not care for me at all anymore, but I still love you and always will. The day you left me was the worst day of my life and I never fully recovered from that. I felt that even if you don't __love__ want me, you still deserved something to tell you why I am leaving this earth. I have no one to turn to in this hellish life I am living in. I would turn to Alice, but she's gone. __I would turn to Jake, but he's part of Sam's gang and won't speak to me.__ I would turn to you, but all I believed in was a lie __and the worst thing that ever happened__ and I lied to myself by letting me stay with you for so long, even after I learned you don't want me. I will never love anyone else but you. You took my heart with you when you left and because of that I am a person will no reason to live, because without a heart you cannot love and without love there is no reason to carry on. I love you._

_ Bella_

Even though it had scratches through some things, like the stuff about Jake and even though he didn't love me, he wasn't the worst thing that had happened to me, I didn't have enough time before Charlie would get home. So I sealed the letters and took them with me along with a glass of water to the bathroom where I grabbed three bottles of pills and poured half the contents of each into my hand. I whispered my farewell to my one love. I look at the pills in one hand and the glass in the other ready to end my suffering.


	3. Chapter 3

Bella's Point of View

I was about to put the pills in my mouth when I heard him say, "NO BELLA! DON'T!"

No! He can't be here! I must be hallucinating. But at the same time I can't be. If I was, he would look the way that I loved. Topaz eyes, crooked smile on his face, and he wouldn't have onyx eyes that look petrified.

"Bella, please don't do this!" He pleaded.

"Why not? You don't love me; I love you too much to love anyone else, and-great I'm talking to a figment of my imagination. I can't even stay sane in my last moments on Earth. See what you did to me?"

"Bella, please think of how this would hurt Charlie and Renee. Remember your promise! You promised nothing stupid! This definitely qualifies. Bella, don't do this to try to get back at me. Charlie needs you. I ne-"

"Why do you care anyway? You don't even want me."

"Bella if you die, I will have no reason to live." No! He can't love me. If he did that would mess up my plan. And even if he did- He is just lying. I need to do this. Get away from my world of hurt and pain that never goes away. I barely survived in this world for the past four months. Four months with a broken heart. Or was it already five months? I lost count. It doesn't matter because He will never truly love you because you aren't anything that someone as perfect as him could want. He was just trying to get me to stop and then he would leave again. All that mattered to him was getting his way and having distractions when he wanted them… right?

"Liar! If I was your reason to live, you wouldn't have left me here to die alone because you broke my heart! If you loved me you wouldn't have broken my heart. You would have stayed with me. If you loved me you would have walked up to me and said I love you. BUT YOU DIDN'T!"

"Bella, I am not lying! I love you. I never stopped loving you. When I left it was because I wanted you to be safe, but I can't live in a world where you don't exist. If I had known you were going to try to kill yourself when I left I wouldn't have left. You are my life and always will be the one person I love. Please give me the pills and don't hurt us both."

"No! You never loved me and I know that now!" I shove the pills in my mouth.

"NO BELLA! DON'T DO THIS! SPIT THEM OUT!" but after somehow getting around his fast arms and taking a gulp of water, I swallow and the world around me starts to fade.

"BELLA!" Edward grabbed me as I started to fall. "Bella don't leave me. I need you! Stay awake, please

Bella, stay here with me don't die."

"I love you Edward." I whisper and then I see nothing but feel like I am flying. No! I am going to lose Edward again what am I thinking? I can see the darkness rushing towards me, almost as if it was welcoming me. But I start to question whether or not I should welcome it.


	4. Chapter 4

Bella's Point of View

_I flew for hours it felt like and then I just felt more pain. I went to hell? I should have given in to Edward and stayed by his side instead of believing that he never loved me._

"Bella?" a voice from far away calls to me.

_A shiver goes thru my entire body as I think of what that voice sounds like. They are going to make me suffer for forever because I couldn't be a good person. Using the one thing that I regret the most to torture me, leaving Edward._

"Bella, please come back to me." The voice calls to me longingly.

_I start to see a light and I go towards it. What's the worse it could do to me? Kill me? Oh wait I'm dead. I open my eyes and then I see him._

"Edward?" I call out to him.

"Bella! Carlisle she's awake!" he called out.

"What do you mean I'm awake? I am dead. I went to hell."

"Bella, you tried to kill yourself but Carlisle said the only way to save you was to change you. Bella, I am sorry for leaving you and I will never for-" I stopped him with a kiss and pulled myself close to him never wanting to let go.

"Edward, I always loved you and the moment I swallowed the pills I regretted it."

"Son," Carlisle called from down stairs. "You should probably take Bella hunting, so she doesn't kill the mailman."

"Oh. I kinda forgot about that." I grab his hand and we start our first day of forever together.

Edward's Point of View

The worse thing about changing Bella was that she didn't know she was being changed. She thought she was in Hell.

_I flew for hours it felt like and then I just felt more pain. I went to hell? I should have given in to Edward and stayed by his side instead of believing that he never loved me._

"Bella?" I called hoping that it would tell her she was not dead.

_A shiver goes thru my entire body as I think of what that voice sounds like. They are going to make me suffer for forever because I couldn't be a good person. Using the one thing that I regret the most to torture me, leaving Edward._

"Bella, please come back to me." I knew if she didn't she would never know that I did truly love her. Her note was so hard to read when I found it because I knew my angel had suffered. It was a good thing she had written notes though. It was easier to make it look like she committed suicide so that Charlie and Renee won't wonder what happened to Bella. The words she had written though, would haunt me for the rest of forever. **I will always love you even though I was a distraction and nothing more… You are probably happy you no longer have to deal with me anymore… There really was never a point to me living was there… **Words- thoughts of hers that I wish had never even gone through her head.

_I start to see a light and I go towards it. What's the worse it could do to me? Kill me? Oh wait I'm dead. I open my eyes and then I see him._

If I wasn't so afraid of losing her, I would have laughed, because I could hear Bella's thoughts.

"Edward?" the voice of an angel calls to me.

"Bella!" I wanted to yell at the top of the mountains that my love hadn't died. "Carlisle, she's awake!"

"What do you mean I'm awake? I am dead. I went to hell."

"Bella, you tried to kill yourself but Carlisle said the only way to save you was to change you. Bella, I am sorry for leaving you and I will never for-"she stopped me with the first kiss of the rest of our life and she pulled towards me.

"Edward, I always loved you and the moment I swallowed the pills I regretted it."

"Son," Carlisle called from down stairs. "You should probably take Bella hunting, so she doesn't kill the mailman."

"Oh. I kinda forgot about that." She grabbed my hand and we start our first day of forever together. This is the way our lives should have always been. This would be our happily, ever after.


End file.
